Fun Stuff!!!
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The DISCLAIMER is still the same - some of the jokes below are just plain awful and the loughborough orchestra will not take any responsibility for any of the groans they may cause :-/ But keep reading through as there are some good jokes ...
"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
"A critic is like a eunuch: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."
"The present day composer refuses to die."
"Beethoven had an ear for music."
"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."
Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists.
In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise."
For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.
Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Adagio fromaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.
Jokes
Below are some updated musical jokes.
More Musical Definitions:
string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
ad libitum: a premiere.
beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
tenor: two hours before a nooner.
diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
ritard: there's one in every family.
relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.
relative minor: a girlfriend.
big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".
repeat: what you do until they just expel you.
treble: women ain't nothin' but.
bass: the things you run around in softball.
portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.
conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
tempo: good choice for a used car.
transpositions: men who wear dresses.
cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.
passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
tuba: a compound word, "Hey! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
cadenza: that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
clef: what you try never to fall off of.
bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.
altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.
12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.
sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
cello: the proper way to answer the phone.
bassoon: typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.
time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.
bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."
audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
accidentals: wronng notes.
augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.
broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.
cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.
chansons de geste: dirty songs.
clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.
crotchet: like knitting, but faster.
ducita: a lot of mallards.
embouchure: the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.
garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.
hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major interval: a long time.
Minor interval: a few bars.
Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.
isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
minnesinger: a boy soprano.
musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
neums: renaissance midgets.
neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.
sancta: Clausula's husband.
lasso: the 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.
quaver: beginning viol class.
rackett: capped reeds class
ritornello: a Verdi opera.
sine proprietate: cussing in church.
supertonic: Schweppes.
trope: a malevolent neum.
tutti: a lot of sackbuts.
stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.
agnus dei: a famous female church composer.
metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
allegro: leg fertilizer.
recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.
transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.
Funny Quotes
--Rossini
-- Mark Twain
-- anonymous
-- Edgar Varese
-- anonymous
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A demented chord.
Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:
Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna
The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital.
From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
St. Peter's still checking at the Perly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
Music Education
These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri...
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter.
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist. "what's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, " I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
Why did the Trombone player break up with the Violinist?
She kept "Stringing" him along!
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."
Beethoven dies
21st Century Tempo Markings & Other Musical Atrocities
AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.
A patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: An ornament you regret after playing it.
Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer but not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of "I meant to do that."
Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.
Brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.
Cornetti trombosis: Disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when players are careless exiting the stage.
Dill piccolo: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and...
Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fog horn: A brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.
Gregorian champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.
Herbert von Carryon: A conductor who never puts his stuff in the cargo hold.
Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful.
Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending, but don't make it seemed rushed.
Pipe smoker: An extremely virtuosick organist.
Poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.
The Rights of Strings: Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.
Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, accompanied by sparkling water with lemon.
Status cymbal: An instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite balls.
Tempo tantrum: What a young orchestra is having when it's not keeping time with the conductor.
Timpani Alley: A row of kettledrums.
Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells.
Vesuvioso: Gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
Musical Definitions
Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, eg: "Y'all sang that real good!"
Accidentals: Wrong notes.
Ad Libitum: A premiere.
Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.
Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous for her church music.
Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.
Attaca: "Fire at will!"
Augmented Fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
Bravo: Literally, How bold! or What nerve! This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concert goer after a particularly trying performance.
Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.
Cadence: The short nickname of a rock group whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival. When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't. (Final Cadence: when they FORCE you to stop.)
Cantus Firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.
Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, eg: "He wears chords."
Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
Clef: If a student cannot sing, he may have an affliction of the palate, called a clef. Something to jump from if you can't sing and you have to teach elementary school.
Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.
Duple Meter: May take any even number of coins.
Triple Meter: Only rich people should park by these.
Meter Signature: The name of the maid who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple meter.
Conduct: The type of air vents in a prison, especially designed to prevent escape. Could also be installed for effective use in a practice room.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.
Countertenor: A singing waiter.
Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Cut Time: When you're going twice as fast as everyone else in the orchestra.
Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Dominant: An adjective used to describe the voice of a child who sings off key.
Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.
English Horn: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.
Flat: This is what happens to a tonic if it sits too long in the open air.
Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.
Form: The shape of a composition. The shape of the musician playing the composition. The people of paper to be filled out in triplicate in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
Harmonic Minor: A good music student.
Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).
Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.
Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department.
Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.
Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."
Tempo: This is where a headache begins.
Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.
Tonic: Medicinal liquid to be consumed before, during, or after a performance. (Diatonic: This is what happens to some musicians.)
Transposition: The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Triplet: One of three children, born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets he has probably been taking a fertility drug.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.
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